That “Falling in Love” Experience… & How to “Fall Out” of It!

If you had the luxury of falling in romantic love, you most certainly recall how it all first starts.

 Remember that instance of secretly free-floating kind of feeling?

 That oh so rare incredibly beaming, yet purring-like sort of feeling?

 That ‘once in a blue moon’ please don’t let me be dreaming kind of feeling?

 These are but a few dazzling signs of that first while. You can’t seem to help your face becoming decorated permanently with that smile. It’s as if you’re in trance stretching day and night. Those flickering butterflies in your stomach just won’t stop; and you keep wondering what’s with that soothing numbness you feel from bottom to top. You have this endless gaze in nowhere oblivious to whether the whole world is falling or not. You wish you could travel in time and space to cut short the seemingly endless hours of waiting; and the ridiculously long distances keeping you apart in craving. And when you meet with your loved one, that accidental touch makes your heart pound a hundred times faster. That look in their eyes sends that gentle electric buzz and you go: “where can I burry my eyes next” to avoid any blunder. You oscillate between awkward moments of silence followed by a barrage of held back emotions as if their floodgates swung wide open. And these effects continue and soar to more (I’ll let your thoughts freely reign). Then with time, all probably waxes and wanes ….

Those feelings, then, evolve into stages and start taking on many forms. They grow beautifully in absurd ways; yet, get shaken at times to your dismay. The seas can’t remain smooth forever; and you’re prone to face some storms (big, or small). All are part of the process of having that free-fall. There could be fights, major setbacks, and alarm signals warning you to watch out. Still, you cling to that bipolarity of feeling so strong yet so fragile; so happy yet so sad; having a “ruling of the world” feeling yet a sense of “complete lack of control”. No proper definition can capture what’s going on; and you find yourself unable to escape its tyranny. The only way out of it is through…. It’s like the inevitable bitter-sweet malady… the most pleasant melancholy ……, and then it’s the perfect remedy…. And hell yeah!! We all enjoy how the rich sweet ingredient of it feels; and curse the times of tragedy.

 And you’re lucky if it all lasts…. For some, the whole world slowly or suddenly witnesses a collapse. They recognize that their castles were built in void air; and all their dreams were set in flare. From that loved one they are to beware. For different reasons, they realize that there is no hope for continuing the affair. The future seems so bleak, and for more suffering they are to be prepared. Worst cases are when that loved one abandons, abuses, betrays, or turns out to be a complete lie. And they find themselves imprisoned; and believe if they let go, they’d possibly die. Mixed feelings dominate and fight inside. Like victims of circumstances they rage at being helpless. The good memories are still loaded up in their mind exacerbating their distress. Faced with the harsh reality, they still feel hopeless for a good relationship to thrive. It all becomes easier if they learn how to “fall out of love”. And you may often hear them saying: “I can’t possibly find another to love as much. My heart is too weak for a rebirth”. They miss on the idea that some six and a half billion people are roaming on planet earth. Their chances to find another are still very high….

If that beautiful epic fails, how can you help someone (maybe yourself) to let go and blast off forward on a new search? How can one regain that power of the mind over the heart? Let me tell you this: The mind has, in fact, that power already if we just use it right. I often use a technique that I adapted from Richard Bandler – the co-creator of NLP – to help my clients “fall out of love” (specifically the ones who’ve been hurt badly) when they choose to. It just requires recalling good and bad memories with the loved one. Emotionally charged memories are easily accessible, so that piece of it is very simple. Let’s assume you’re the one who wants to be totally free of your X-lover’s power. Just follow these steps in order to make the bad memories predominate and perhaps become repulsed from that hurtful X-mate.

 – Stacking good memories: Recall 4 or 5 nice memories one by one with your loved one. See yourself in each acting out the episode (i.e. watch it as if you were watching a movie). This is what we call a “dissociated” way. It’s like someone else is enjoying the good times (not you). Now run those episodes in black and white and one after another quickly. This drains life out of these memories further. When you’ve done that, run this continuous movie backwards with all its episodes till the day before you both met again. Then make the screen at the end of it go blank. Do this last step a couple of times running the movie backwards as fast as you can while shrinking it in size each time. This is how we lessen that memory’s emotional impact to the point of erasing it. The memory stays there, but its power over you disappears.

 – Stacking the bad memories: Now recall as many bad memories as you can (those that hurt you most) with your “X-mate”. This time, watch each of these in life size and through your own eyes as if you were the camera man this time. See what you saw then, hear what you heard, and feel again all those negative feelings. This is what we call an “associated” way of recall. Connect these memories together like a movie one after another. Run them again and again in your mind amplifying them in size, sound, and feeling. When you do this a couple of times, you’ll be fed up! The effects would be like that needed last straw that breaks the camel’s back to fall out of love.

 – Oscillate between the above two: Repeat the first two steps as needed and until you can’t bear associating with the bad ones any longer. The good memories will have no effect now that the bad feelings predominate.

 – Getting repulsed: Many would still fear reacting lovingly again to their “X”. After all, who’d want to remain a fool? There’s a way to go about that too. Just trigger disgust instead at the mere thought or sight as a replacing thought. Think of something that is really repugnant for your (I’ve heard examples of rotten poo with flies hovering around it, spread vomit, squashed rat, chopped liver, etc… – sorry about that); and make a picture of it. Make it really clear in every way possible till you’d want to puke. Now from the center of that picture, open the picture of your “X” smiling. Repeat this over and over till you associate that face with the repulsive thought. Do I need to tell you what happens next time you see or think of your “X”?

 – A brighter future: Imagine a brighter future now without your “X”. How would it be like? Imagine yourself laughing again, free, socializing, and being appreciated by many others. Step into that image and feel what it’s like. Totally different, right?

I truly wish no one ever has to go through this exercise and continue indulging in the “love treat”. Don’t let the fear of any future mishap hold you back. Not the first time; not again if those emotions attack. There’s so much to “falling in love” that you rise with it. You may not need to go out looking for it. It will find you somehow; just permit it. And if it disappoints you later, you can always count on time to heal. If not quickly enough, it’s up to you to speed up the process of recovery by using the power of your mind. We all know pain is inevitable. It’s the suffering that’s optional. So, keep indulging! There is always a way out. It’s through it; by that abide. Keep woo-hooing! It’s the most thrilling roller-coaster ride….

Advertisement

Nourishing the Poet in Me

The old adage is true: “Whatever you focus on expands…” You keep thinking in negative terms and these surely become beefier and compound. You put the spotlight on one direction and it’s a sure way to discover the multi-paths to be there. A lot has been said about the effects of what you feed your mind with as steering your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. I experience this all the time and have countless examples.

This philosophy is particularly interesting to me now as I found myself putting my “poet hat” on after reading some poetry lately. A precious friend of mine gave me a book of poems he authored some time back. I became engrossed and totally relished in reading each piece. I re-lived his moments of both joy and despair. That book – a simple gesture – flooded my mind with a whole barrage of whammed emotions and ideas. They stirred up a long forgotten poet residing in me. It was as if someone has pressed my “hot button” on. That book was a “sign”; and doesn’t the universe keep sending a myriad of these all the time!

I regressed back in seasons when I used to express myself in poems. How can the seeds not sprout this time? They were being re-fertilized and nourished. My mind was fed with super sensitivity, proper articulation, lots of metaphors, and with musical rhymes. I was compelled to express myself as he did (probably not as well, but it’s a good re-start). I am sharing a piece I wrote here as (maybe) part of the “forward” of my book – in progress – on “Coping with Realities”. I thank my friend for feeding my mind with things I have a potential for. I hope one day I similarly nourish the mind of my readers with means to better remain in control of their lives.

Here it goes:

 

 Life is so fascinating, so I thought when I was a child

Orchestrated around love, play, wonders, dreams and delight

Then, with time, things changed and complexity piled

I became all too cynical bewildered and resisting in plight

 

Told myself, don’t take flight, young lady, stand up right

There is more to it… at the end of the tunnel, there is light

You’ll comprehend how it goes one day, I promised

But gray areas were everywhere, there were no black or white

 

Till now, most apparent truths seem far from real

Life throws many ordeals that perplexity incite

Growth of wisdom and strength these conceal

It keeps getting better and better, at each I recite

 

As a child, little I understood about life’s technicalities

Days pass by, each bringing new thought provoking insight

Grew up to cope and deal with hard earned realities

As an adult, today, about these I am passionate to write 

 

Life is not meant to be fathomed by the best trained mind

My innocent hunch way younger, now I see just as right

Keep looking for the bright side and overcome being blind

It’s all about turning gold whatever you encounter at first sight

For me, that’s not a bad start. And who knows maybe that was just the beginning of yet another ride? 🙂