The Truth about Lying & Deception: How to handle it

You’re a LIAR!! Yes, you and don’t freak out when as accused; we are all liars to varying degrees. It’s hardly my style to address such a negative aspect of the human condition, but we can’t ignore that “lies” constitute a rampant state prevailing in politics, the business world, and even in our daily exchanges as minor fibs. Studies do show that the average person lies several times a day either concealing or fabricating the truth for silly reasons sometimes. We dismiss many as “white lies” being socially conditioned to be respectful and polite (e.g. you’d respond when asked how you’re doing by saying: “I am doing great!” when deep inside your world is gloomy and chaotic). We deceive, also, without intention mainly in social conversations (e.g. like nodding when listening to someone talk while our mind is wandering elsewhere). You do it; everyone else does it! Unless you’re living in complete harmony with yourself and others, you’re “lie-free”. And when you do knowingly lie, you give yourself so many excuses and rationalize every time. It could be to protect from bigger harm, safeguard the other person’s feelings, avoid unnecessary conflict, preserve a good self-image, handle high stake situation, and the list goes on and on…. I am not suggesting that because deception is very common, you remain at ease with it. An inner state of dissonance and stress emerges for those who are conscientious enough, or good meaning (not the cunning malicious type). When you’re at the receiving end, the feeling is even worse. It’s not these small innocent lies that get to you. It’s the deliberate biggies (e.g. being betrayed) or when it’s too frequent or manipulative to serve the liar’s hidden agenda. To explore lying and deception, is to understand it, as to better deal with it. Let’s dissect it here.

Why can’t you tolerate being lied to when you yourself lie from time to time?  Mainly, and when you first react, you may forget to justify for others as you do for yourself. You’re not in the liar’s shoes to know their drives. It certainly is not easy to swallow those biggies, tolerate habitual chronic liars who adopt lying as their natural style, or accept the Machiavellian type who manipulate you to serve their needs. Big lies that relate to specific situations can become traumatic especially from those you least expect to deceive you. The frequency of smaller lies – no matter how trivial these are – can similarly, drain you. You’re always left scratching your head (asking yourself “shall I believe this now or not”). You may try hard to let these slip by, but their recurrence can become impossible to ignore. Manipulative deception has a far greater toll. They shake you to the bone. With children, you can understand lies as a sign of immaturity, but with adults, you can’t help but consider them as having an evil tongue frustrating enough for you to reassess your whole life philosophy and strategy. Eventually, you may become more cynical, suspicious, and completely pissed off. Until you understand the liar’s reasons, you keep boiling inside. For sure, you first take lies personally as a threat to your own self-image.

What does it mean to be lied to? Lies – big or small – hurt your ego and are translated in the most degrading terms: you’re unworthy of the truth, your intelligence is insulted, you’re considered gullible, your bright expectations are violated, you’re naïve for believing, or simply that your good faith in others led you to being taken advantage of. You doubt yourself; and your trust hub in others gets destroyed. It then becomes extremely difficult to mend the fences. A big lie can leave you vulnerable, forever suspicious, uncertain, out of control, or experiencing great suffering and pain for a while. It happens, right? The truth is: lies really tell more about the deceiver than it tells about you. For big lies, always consider the ramification for telling the truth in context. It could just be that the other person is so scared of facing reality. You could have done the same if your roles were reversed. With habitual liars, many are not even aware of their behavior since it becomes more like routine so well ingrained and automatic. Their excessive lying may have routes in their having an inferiority/superiority complex. These usually have an instable sense of identity with conflicting parts struggling within. If they were clearer on how they defined themselves, or knew what they really wanted, there would be no reason for them to lie. It could, also, be that they were raised in an environment in which lying was necessary for survival. They become addicted to lying as it feels right and safe; thus, twisting all truths as a way of living. Manipulative liars obviously adopt lying to get what they want in a sneaky way. They have little empathy for your feelings. It’s like they coerce you into doing something you wouldn’t want to do in the first place; hence, you feel utterly disgusted when you find out their true motives.

How easy is it to detect deception?  Many lies are discovered by contradictory statements or by piecing together information to make sense of things that don’t seem right. This is often fuelled by an internal lie detector we call “gut instinct” that picks up on so many unconscious cues. The literature is bound with guidelines on detecting lies through observing non-verbal behavior. These include: more blinking or fidgeting, speech hesitation, shorter responses or even too much detail, changes in vocal pitch or speed, language patterns (e.g. frequently dropping the “I” from a sentence), breaking eye contact, or even its opposite of being looked at too insistently to make a point. However, and to date, there is enough evidence that even trained professionals cannot detect deception with precision. You may assume that because you know the other person too well, you can easily spot lies, but that’s not straight forward.  With enough determination, a liar can cover the truth well especially the manipulative type. It’s even more difficult to know with chronic liars, as it’s all too natural and reflexive. They themselves believe their lies. In the end, there’s no foolproof way to know when a person is lying for sure by mere observation. Many lies would eventually be discovered somehow. Knowing the truth sets you in turmoil, so ideally, what are you to do?

How can you deal with being lied to? Understand again, it’s a sad human condition. Nail it down to being situational or chronic. Is it justified or is it that the other person is being a pathological jerk?

a)      With situational liars and big lies: Be cautious of someone who gives you a one-time BAMM!! They lie once, they can lie again. If you care about salvaging your relationship with that person, it’s best to address the issue in a more conversational manner (as opposed to a confrontational style); and only when you have calmed down. Think of the reasons for why you were lied to and the consequences of telling the truth in time. They maybe too scared to face the problem or cannot handle the truth, but you can show them that you can (with some extra effort in certain respects of course). They simply may be asking for attention indirectly. If you do confront, refrain from throwing accusations. It’s counterproductive, as it breads their defensiveness (e.g. withdrawing, counterattacks, denial, or hostility). Focus in your discussion on how it makes you feel to be deceived. Give them a sense of understanding and willingness to deal with the problem and the underlying motives for lying. Always reciprocate by telling the gentle truth as you remain in control of your emotional reactions (that’s the toughest to handle in such situations). Your discussion can eventually lead to a clearer understanding of the whole issue at hand. If things make sense, then be sure to forgive. This way you’ll be the “bigger” person who accommodates for human faults. Holding a grudge occupies unnecessary space in your heart and leaves no room for working things out. Besides, we all deserve a second chance, so allow it. But what if lies are repeated over and over again? You’re on alert mode already if you’re lied to once. It takes time and repeated evidence of sincerity to regain that lost trust – if ever.

 b)      With habitual and manipulative liars: Those who lie chronically for no apparent gain are to be pitied. Remember that it’s about them (i.e. their personality and life experiences). Even if they were not lying to you directly but to others, you’d reason they could easily lie to you too. You can try to let things slide if they are not important, hint at inconsistencies, or use sarcastic remarks paralleled with surprised facial expressions. If lies stretch too far, you can handle it using some humor to point it out (e.g. say something like: “Come on Pinocchio, your nose is growing!”). It is very difficult to change habitual liars as most of the time they lack insight. They are better referred to a professional in counseling; and it’s very common that they’d resist doing until they hit bottom. Others, who are manipulative and adopt lying for strategic purposes, are to be avoided as soon as they are discovered. Withdraw from further dealings with them if you can. If you’re stuck with these because the situation dictates (e.g. they are colleagues at work or are family), you cannot but resort to standing up for yourself and setting clear boundaries. Asking more questions for clarification would be like inviting in more lies. One lie may just have been leading to another to make the picture more complete in the first place.

In all cases, you really need to set yourself emotion free from the frustration of feeling like an idiot. Deeply reflecting and assessing the situation objectively can alleviate your first outraged reaction when you discover the truth. People have different reasons for deceiving; and if they are good meaning, then work on substituting resentment with empathy and understanding. As hard as it is to be lied to, you need to remember the times you were cornered into lying and had all proper justifications. And don’t forget that sometimes you even deceive yourself just to be happy by denying or ignoring the truth. These are only adaptive defense mechanisms we resort to without conscious attention. When liars deceive, their intentions are good to, at least, themselves. You can only remain alert, empathetic, and self-protecting too. Despite lying being a violation of all ethical and legal principles, we can only tolerate and accept such a – not so pleasing – human condition. Don’t fret about it too much. It’s not easy to live in complete harmony without concealing some truth until one day you’re there.

 

Lessons I’ve Learned in 2011

At the dawn of yet another new year, I can’t but ponder about how the past year went by. I have achieved plenty more and encountered many roadblocks all teaching me some hard earned lessons. These affected my choices, decisions, and what I know about life in general. I’d like to share with you some of these reflections that I base highly on both my personal experiences and the patterns I observed in others around me.

In 2011, I’ve learned that:

-          When health matters are seriously threatened – yours or your loved ones – everything else seems so secondary. Act is if these are always truly threatened.

-          The more you reflect on life matters, the more you’ll realize how wide those gray areas are. Rare are the things that are purely black or white.

-          Admitting your emotional vulnerabilities is not a sign of weakness. You are strong enough when you accept that these come with the beautiful package of human nature.

-          What confuses us, many times, is that we exist in multiple contradictory profiles. That version you work on most, keep up front and nourish is what defines you after all.

-          The reason why some people enjoy spending some time alone is because they’re never really lonely. They have their own most interesting company.

-          Confusion is the corner stone of creativity and clarity. If for only a short while, it’s the best thought entertainer. If prolonged, it confines one to an idle mode of inactivity.

-          Giving someone your undivided attention and time are of the noblest thing you can ever do. It’s not the end of the world if some turned out to be undeserving or unappreciative.

-          Everyone is looking for love – knowingly or not – from different sources (i.e. romantic partner, parent, friend, or co-workers). When love is lacking, it is substituted for in healthy or unhealthy other ways.

-          Frustration or hitting rock bottom are the greatest motivators propelling one to take action into changing, but we’re all at different levels of readiness to take charge.

-          When you head something, you’ll have a lot of headache. You’ll be fought, ridiculed, and criticized, but you will still find many more followers and supporters to play the game.

-          Dealing with tough people is a good exercise of your patience, communication skills, and growth. These people show you exactly what you’d want to avoid being like.

-          Many will force their way into your life uninvited. Give them a chance. They could either be a blessing, or yet another lesson.

-          Of all existing languages, that which speaks your emotions is most profound. Never hesitate to be nicely expressive (to yourself and others).

-          You may remain ground chained by what’s real despite visions of your wildest dreams. It’s okay to keep one foot in reality and the other in dreamland. That’s how you eventually break free.

-          There’s a limit to how many times you give others a chance to be more respecting, appreciating, and understanding. You can always withdraw, or keep asserting your boundaries.

-          The brighter your light, the more you attract both: moths and butterflies. You’d put the moths in captivity if you focus on the butterflies’ activity.

-          It’s best to raise your expectations of yourself and lower them from others. The best helping hand you’ll ever have is at the end of your own arm.

-          Pity not those who did not grow rich, or old, or bold. Pity those who missed the opportunity to just grow.

-          You know there’s too much ‘on your plate’ when you wish the days were longer.

-          The most important date you can ever take is that with your own self.

-          Just as a house cannot stand on one pillar, so is life satisfaction cannot be reliant on only one source.

-          When you can’t change the existing system, create your own controlled system.

-          You can always decorate your thoughts with FAITH. It never goes out of fashion.

These are but a few. Let’s see what the year 2012 holds in stock for me. I can’t wait to learn more lessons.

Debunking the 10 Reasons of Why You May Resist “Coaching”

As a Life-Coach, I can’t help but notice the resistance of many to hire the coaching service especially here in Lebanon (even if it meant offering it for free sometimes). I’ve been approached by many more people who’d want to earn a certification in “Coaching” than to actually be “coached”.  I was especially disappointed when I was inviting some of my acquaintances to a workshop I’m preparing with other colleagues in the Lebanese Coach Association on the benefits of coaching. The indifferent responses totally put me down. Some were very frank in saying they’d rather go to a gathering where food and “arguileh” are served. I went like “Ouch!! This is going to be harder than I expected!” It got me thinking of reasons to that reluctance and I found many. I’d like to clarify and debunk these for the few who would even consider, but who hesitate thinking that:

1. I don’t know precisely what coaching is: Our knowledge is never complete. Don’t you want to know what it is? Children are very inquisitive and this is what helps them grow. What happened to the child in you? Don’t you get bewildered at someone saying “I don’t like this thing or that” before even giving it a go? Why don’t you update your knowledge about coaching to better judge whether it could help you or not. For an overview, please visit the link here before reading on.
2. My pillow makes one fine place to share and keep all my secrets: Sure it is! Your pillow would never tell. Then again, there’s a downside to that silence too. Unlike your coach, your pillow will never ever reciprocate your monologue and clear up your mental chatter. How interesting would those conversations be? You need to trust on this: Discussions are commonly deep and touch on sensitive personal issues in which secrecy is always ensured. Trust your professional coach and don’t worry about revealing your inner thoughts, attitudes, and outward behavior. Coaches would never judge you negatively no matter what your background is. On the contrary: They dig up and capitalize on your strengths.
3. It takes too much effort to change: Of course it does! Rarely are successes handed on a golden tray. Many would forget how amazing it would feel to be the better person they deserve to be. Think of your major achievements for a moment. How did these happen? How do you think the turtle beat the rabbit in that long run? It’s through that consistent little effort expended little by little. Your coach will cheerlead you and support you remain focused on your long term vision. Then, the positive changes make all the effort you exerted worthwhile.
4. I’m confident and strong enough to resolve my own problems: Some would even reason: “I know myself inside out and I don’t need anyone to give me advice”. Just to clarify: you’re coach is not your advisor and it certainly does not mean coaching is for the feeble minded, nor for those who lack confidence. If that was the case, prominent and successful people wouldn’t continue to have their own personal coaches supporting them become even more successful. Examples stretch from actors, pop stars, business executives, and politicians. Even the best coaches (like Tony Robins and Jim Rohn) have their own personal life coaches. It’s a partnership along the path of success to fine tune whatever is needed.
5. I have enough support from my family and friends: And this is wonderful; however, can you guarantee that they’ll give you all their full attention, patience, and time? Not only that, people you know are very subjective and biased. They may need you to remain the same way you are to suit themselves better (not you). Your changes may scare them and deprive them of some power over you. Or, it could just be that they would not be as excited about your positive changes as someone you’d hire to help you thrive. Your personal coach is more objective and with no hidden agenda. It’s your agenda at heart. You’re granted full thoughtfulness and support to grow in any area you choose to focus on.
6. I don’t have the time to commit to the coaching process: You’re right about needing to allocate some time for your own self-development. Allow me to remind you that your life is the most important project you can ever work on. Don’t you think it’s worth making the time for? And if you’re pressed with time, then maybe what you really need is someone to support you adjust that “time barometer” right. Coaching helps you start implement positive life changes in a speedy way. It takes only a little portion of your time, but saves you a whole lot more. Left to your packed schedule, you may never start the inward development.
7. It’s a costly service: you’re right about this one too. Same argument applies as above. Investing your time in your own self-growth is no different than investing some money in it too. Besides, your coach is equipped with skills that you won’t easily find in your circle of support. Don’t you think your coach has invested a lot in learning the “hows” and ought to be reciprocated for that knowledge?
8. I don’t have major problems to resolve: Some would argue that they have resolved their problems with a psychologist earlier on and now everything is under control. Now seriously, is everything under control?  If this is your case, then you belong to that rare category of people who do nothing and spend their lives in an idle mode. Is playing on the marginal side the right way you’d like to continue living? Yes, you can remain in your comfort zone, but you’ve got only yourself to blame when you realize that life passed you by unnoticed.
9. There’s nothing I can do to change my life circumstances: This is the argument adopted by those who live in a victim mind set, feel helpless, and adopt a passive surrendering mode. These need coaching most. Even in the harshest circumstances, people can still control their attitude (that is if nothing else can be done). Coaching not only helps you see things differently, it enables you to toy around with plenty more options to deal with even the toughest life situations.  
10. I do a great job at self-coaching and am already achieving plenty: Shiver me timbers! So you’re the type who thinks “I know it all”. Good for you! Truth is: coaching already assumes you’re your own life expert. But maybe…. Just maybe your high drive leaves you too immersed in your own agenda that the high achievement is coming at an expansive cost to other vital life areas. This is when your coach can help you maintain a reality check on balancing it all while observing what you leave unsaid or un-tackled. Furthermore, wouldn’t it feel better to get a “high five” upon accomplishments than celebrating on your own? Do you remember to celebrate your achievements at all? hmmm… thought so… To top all of the above, your coach will do that for you.

 

Any more arguments about why you’d still resist having your own personal coach? To my knowledge, these cover it all. And if you still think you don’t need a coach, rest assured you can still benefit by hiring one. It gives you an edge that propels you forward into maximizing your life fulfillment. Your successes will be acknowledged and championed. You will learn how to tap inside yourself to discover your own brilliance and greatest potentials.

May I, now, invite you to give it a go? You can still not “like” it, or choose not to indulge in such self-pampering later. But I am confident, if you love yourself enough, you’ll give it the attention it deserves. After all, who wouldn’t like the company of a better self? That’s one entity you surely are stuck with for the rest of your life.

 

 

That “Falling in Love” Experience… & How to “Fall Out” of It!

If you had the luxury of falling in romantic love, you most certainly recall how it all first starts.

 Remember that instance of secretly free-floating kind of feeling?

 That oh so rare incredibly beaming, yet purring-like sort of feeling?

 That ‘once in a blue moon’ please don’t let me be dreaming kind of feeling?

 These are but a few dazzling signs of that first while. You can’t seem to help your face becoming decorated permanently with that smile. It’s as if you’re in trance stretching day and night. Those flickering butterflies in your stomach just won’t stop; and you keep wondering what’s with that soothing numbness you feel from bottom to top. You have this endless gaze in nowhere oblivious to whether the whole world is falling or not. You wish you could travel in time and space to cut short the seemingly endless hours of waiting; and the ridiculously long distances keeping you apart in craving. And when you meet with your loved one, that accidental touch makes your heart pound a hundred times faster. That look in their eyes sends that gentle electric buzz and you go: “where can I burry my eyes next” to avoid any blunder. You oscillate between awkward moments of silence followed by a barrage of held back emotions as if their floodgates swung wide open. And these effects continue and soar to more (I’ll let your thoughts freely reign). Then with time, all probably waxes and wanes ….

Those feelings, then, evolve into stages and start taking on many forms. They grow beautifully in absurd ways; yet, get shaken at times to your dismay. The seas can’t remain smooth forever; and you’re prone to face some storms (big, or small). All are part of the process of having that free-fall. There could be fights, major setbacks, and alarm signals warning you to watch out. Still, you cling to that bipolarity of feeling so strong yet so fragile; so happy yet so sad; having a “ruling of the world” feeling yet a sense of “complete lack of control”. No proper definition can capture what’s going on; and you find yourself unable to escape its tyranny. The only way out of it is through…. It’s like the inevitable bitter-sweet malady… the most pleasant melancholy ……, and then it’s the perfect remedy…. And hell yeah!! We all enjoy how the rich sweet ingredient of it feels; and curse the times of tragedy.

 And you’re lucky if it all lasts…. For some, the whole world slowly or suddenly witnesses a collapse. They recognize that their castles were built in void air; and all their dreams were set in flare. From that loved one they are to beware. For different reasons, they realize that there is no hope for continuing the affair. The future seems so bleak, and for more suffering they are to be prepared. Worst cases are when that loved one abandons, abuses, betrays, or turns out to be a complete lie. And they find themselves imprisoned; and believe if they let go, they’d possibly die. Mixed feelings dominate and fight inside. Like victims of circumstances they rage at being helpless. The good memories are still loaded up in their mind exacerbating their distress. Faced with the harsh reality, they still feel hopeless for a good relationship to thrive. It all becomes easier if they learn how to “fall out of love”. And you may often hear them saying: “I can’t possibly find another to love as much. My heart is too weak for a rebirth”. They miss on the idea that some six and a half billion people are roaming on planet earth. Their chances to find another are still very high….

If that beautiful epic fails, how can you help someone (maybe yourself) to let go and blast off forward on a new search? How can one regain that power of the mind over the heart? Let me tell you this: The mind has, in fact, that power already if we just use it right. I often use a technique that I adapted from Richard Bandler – the co-creator of NLP – to help my clients “fall out of love” (specifically the ones who’ve been hurt badly) when they choose to. It just requires recalling good and bad memories with the loved one. Emotionally charged memories are easily accessible, so that piece of it is very simple. Let’s assume you’re the one who wants to be totally free of your X-lover’s power. Just follow these steps in order to make the bad memories predominate and perhaps become repulsed from that hurtful X-mate.

 - Stacking good memories: Recall 4 or 5 nice memories one by one with your loved one. See yourself in each acting out the episode (i.e. watch it as if you were watching a movie). This is what we call a “dissociated” way. It’s like someone else is enjoying the good times (not you). Now run those episodes in black and white and one after another quickly. This drains life out of these memories further. When you’ve done that, run this continuous movie backwards with all its episodes till the day before you both met again. Then make the screen at the end of it go blank. Do this last step a couple of times running the movie backwards as fast as you can while shrinking it in size each time. This is how we lessen that memory’s emotional impact to the point of erasing it. The memory stays there, but its power over you disappears.

 - Stacking the bad memories: Now recall as many bad memories as you can (those that hurt you most) with your “X-mate”. This time, watch each of these in life size and through your own eyes as if you were the camera man this time. See what you saw then, hear what you heard, and feel again all those negative feelings. This is what we call an “associated” way of recall. Connect these memories together like a movie one after another. Run them again and again in your mind amplifying them in size, sound, and feeling. When you do this a couple of times, you’ll be fed up! The effects would be like that needed last straw that breaks the camel’s back to fall out of love.

 - Oscillate between the above two: Repeat the first two steps as needed and until you can’t bear associating with the bad ones any longer. The good memories will have no effect now that the bad feelings predominate.

 - Getting repulsed: Many would still fear reacting lovingly again to their “X”. After all, who’d want to remain a fool? There’s a way to go about that too. Just trigger disgust instead at the mere thought or sight as a replacing thought. Think of something that is really repugnant for your (I’ve heard examples of rotten poo with flies hovering around it, spread vomit, squashed rat, chopped liver, etc… – sorry about that); and make a picture of it. Make it really clear in every way possible till you’d want to puke. Now from the center of that picture, open the picture of your “X” smiling. Repeat this over and over till you associate that face with the repulsive thought. Do I need to tell you what happens next time you see or think of your “X”?

 - A brighter future: Imagine a brighter future now without your “X”. How would it be like? Imagine yourself laughing again, free, socializing, and being appreciated by many others. Step into that image and feel what it’s like. Totally different, right?

I truly wish no one ever has to go through this exercise and continue indulging in the “love treat”. Don’t let the fear of any future mishap hold you back. Not the first time; not again if those emotions attack. There’s so much to “falling in love” that you rise with it. You may not need to go out looking for it. It will find you somehow; just permit it. And if it disappoints you later, you can always count on time to heal. If not quickly enough, it’s up to you to speed up the process of recovery by using the power of your mind. We all know pain is inevitable. It’s the suffering that’s optional. So, keep indulging! There is always a way out. It’s through it; by that abide. Keep woo-hooing! It’s the most thrilling roller-coaster ride….

Resolving Relationship Issues: Fit into the Other’s Shoes

If you’re like most other humans – not living in isolation – you’re definitely involved in a wide array of relationships. And you’re lucky if these were enriching to your life and provide you with the necessary support to combat life’s hardships. Unfortunately, in many, you’re very likely to encounter bumps along the road to have these maintained. And sooner or later you may find yourself in attempts to weather all sorts of storms. Conflict, tension, frustration, and serious misunderstandings can result between parent and child, couples, siblings, friends, and colleagues at work. There’s an inevitable break-up with those you find yourself continuously struggling with. Some people are not so easily dispensable though. You realize that there are grave consequences for cutting all ties; and eventually feel you’re stuck with for life. You attempt different ways to reconcile; succeeding at times and maybe failing at others. And you keep trying……till it sometimes completely drains you. Sounds familiar?

There are few things that you need to keep in mind if you wanted to sustain indispensible relationships (you know…, those that can do you more harm than good if you lose):   

1. Keep the channels of effective communication open. Even if you were given the “deaf ear” or the “cold shoulder”, each person has a key. Find it to unlock the silence. Talk about what makes them nicely “tick” and then actively listen to what is said (and left unsaid). Approach conversations in a positive way. This reduces the other party’s defensiveness and, in turn, allows you to be listened to just the same.
2. The luggage we carry on our life journeys makes each of us perceive or interpret things differently. No wonder we vary in degrees. These differences naturally breed conflict. In relationships, it’s best to keep the focus on your similarities, common values, and interests. Doing otherwise would widen any existing gap further. Nobody is expected to share exactly your same thoughts, beliefs, needs, or priorities. Find where you both meet and take it from there.
3. It’s not about keeping record of win-lose battles. Believe that you and the other party are on the same side of the fence. Avoid the common assumption of being antagonists fighting over power. Even if the other party still holds that as true, make it appear they have it. You’re the one in control if you have the right attitude and approach. Where’s the common cause? Find it; and make it a competition to reach a win-win solution that is mutually agreeable. Shift your mindset from having a combative to a cooperative relationship.
4. Ask to work on problems together handling each at a time. There’s no “one” way to work things out. With the other party, expand on the possibilities, solutions, and the consequences of each. Problem solving situations are opportunities in disguise to make your relationships stronger. With the right attitude, you can use these constructively to strengthen your ties.
5. Avoid the focus on the other person’s failings. Always consider their assets, qualities, and good attributes. Mention these during your conflict resolution attempts. It’s no use to open the file of past misdemeanors on every occasion. It only flames relational discord. The best thing about the past is that it is gone. Stay focused on what you can do now and in the future.
6. Choose the right time to discuss any arising issue. If you’re angry, wait for your anger to subside a little. We all know that being negatively charged with emotions can lead to irreparable rifts. If the other party is in a rush (e.g. leaving to work), postpone discussion to a more appropriate time. Careful, as well, to the choice of place (alone with the other party as opposed to being in a crowd). Timing can make all the difference. If you leave things to snowball, it would be difficult to rectify an evolved pattern of grudges piling up one on top of another. Do I need to mention the consequences of bottling up? Naaah…, we all must have a taste of that obvious explosion somehow.

 When relationships become strained and conflict ridden, they become an additional source of hardship to overcome. The best thing you can do is to equip yourself with the skill of conflict resolution; and practice navigating your way through proper communication. Who wouldn’t like to live harmoniously with cherished others? Consider the following technique which you can use to positively approach conflicts. It requires you to dissociate and take on different perspectives around the issue you want to resolve. It’s more like a “role play” game (Yeah, it really helps to laugh and play when you have serious issues to take care of :) ). It gets you in a clearer mindset to head on disagreements the right way especially if you’re turmoiling inside.

 Let’s do this exercise together. Think of an issue you want to resolve. Alone in a spacious area, choose 3 different locations that are more or less close to each other. Note that you’ll be physically standing on each of these and will be assuming different roles or positions.

 -       First position: That’s fully you! Think of the situation. What are you feeling now and what’s your attitude about the other person? Fully associate with that role (i.e. mentally travel in time scanning different episodes of your interactions and recalling things you’ve seen, heard, and felt). This is your baseline for resolution. When you’re done, blank the pictures in your mind and physically shake that role off. Move, next, to position 2 (usually facing the first position as if you’ll be conversing with the first role).

 -       Second position: That’s them! This is when you’ll assume the role of the other party. In your mind, imagine you’re fully them. In other words, be in their shoes, wearing their clothes, speaking as they do, and thinking exactly the way they would. Now is the time to practice “empathy”. Carry whatever degree of emotional baggage and experiences they may have had on their shoulders. Look at the person sitting in “position 1” (the original you). What’s their attitude towards you and what do they want? How are they talking to you? Get into their mind set. Why are they behaving, thinking, and feeling the way they do? Don’t forget to consider their good qualities here. Take as much time as you need. When you’re done, shake it all off like you did the first time; and go stand in position three facing the first two.

 -       Third position: That’s the role of a wise observer! Now in this spot assume you are a complete stranger to both as if you were a spectator of a movie. Your role here is that of a detached advisor who will objectively give an opinion about what’s going on between the two. Dissociated enough from the situation now, be as objective as you can. What’s going on out there? Generate solutions that are mutually satisfactory. Knowing that you cannot tell the other party (the one in position 2) what they are to do, advise the one in the first position (the real you) of how to better handle the situation. What resources does that person need to handle it right? What was missing in all interactions? It could be more confidence, empathy, better communication skills, etc…. Take your time to discover these.

 When you identify the needed resources, and still in that position, remember a time when you actually did have what was missing. Fully re-live those memories mentally one by one. See? You have these already and you can bring them back if you choose to. Imagine that you can transfer these somehow to the person sitting in the first position (again, the original you). You can gesture the transmission with your hands, or mentally. Then, go sit in “position 1” and imagine you’re receiving these through both body and mind. These are your new armor for future interactions. Remind yourself of the 6 points above. Now look at the person sitting in “position 2”. It feels different, doesn’t it? You have a better understanding of how to lead your confrontation and reach reconciliation. You and the other party will both win this time. GO!

 

Snap Out Of It: Dissociate. Here Is The “How”

Disappointment, discouragement, hopelessness, helplessness, or sadness are but few of the negative states that can put us in a depressed mood. The reasons vary; and when horrific things happen, negative emotions become paralleled with foggy thinking. We may become imprisoned by a chain of negative thinking until our emotions change to the better. Great…., but how do our feelings change? Would you wait for them to change on their own, or rely on external factors to make it happen? What if that doesn’t take place soon enough? How about you play a more active role instead of waiting? Consider the options you have when you find yourself in a depressed mood. You have at least 3:

1. Stay in your negative state, beat yourself up with further distressing thoughts, and worsen your mood further.
2. Kick away those negative feelings directly and bounce back to an opposite state as if nothing happened (more like denying yourself any experience of negative feelings).
3. Allow yourself to stay there a bit just to process what triggered your bad mood; then, change state and focus on finding solutions.

 

It goes without saying that the nature and the magnitude of the trigger can place you somewhere on that continuum at first; nonetheless, you have a choice to move out, away, or into healthier responding. But which of the above three options do you think is considered “healthier responding”? You deserve to live your life fully, so why restrict yourself to negative states? Hence, the first option is by no means the best choice. One of the beauties of being human is that you have feelings; and to deny yourself getting in touch with your feelings only deprives you of your humanity and gets you in more complicated emotional problems. Hence, denying yourself the variety of emotional experiences is, similarly, unwise. The second option, therefore, is ruled out. This leaves you with option three. Do I hear you say: “Easier said than done!” or “you don’t know what you’re talking about; it’s too difficult to snap out of it”? Let me suggest a tool I often use in therapy and coaching. It’s called “Dissociation”. Many use it intuitively, and it has widespread other uses besides changing states.

 

Sit in a quiet comfortable place in solitary. Start a mental scan of the events that precipitated your bad mood. If you’re unable to identify a specific event for your low mood, just examine how the previous hours went by. You’ll be surprised as to how easily the main cause emerges.

 

Assess: Start processing your feelings (processing here means identifying and labeling your feelings). Delve behind the feelings for reasons; analyze and dissect the situation into its main components. Your thoughts about it will feed into your feeling further down, so just allow yourself, then, to be fully associated with your negative state (i.e. feel, visualize, and hear the external and internal dialogues).

 

Dissociate: When you’re through this examination, physically stand up and face the place you were sitting in. It may seem bizarre the first time, but you’re alone (hopefully) and no one will wonder what in the world you’re doing (keep playing the game of dissociation). Visualize yourself sitting in that seat (make a mental picture of how you were sitting exactly – the other you). Imagine that the one standing, now, is your best friend (i.e. the best friend of the one sitting). Being your best friend now, what would you objectively advise the person in front of you to think feel, and do? Narrate the counter arguments of the situation, draw attention to the bigger picture, list the empowering possibilities, and reignite that person into a better mood.

 

Associate: Bring in several memories of times that you felt totally happy, confident, motivated, or any other positive state. Associate yourself with those good feelings every time by mentally visualizing each of those incidents, seeing all the details, hearing all the sounds, and re-living those feelings that dominated then. Let the picture become brighter, the sounds become louder, and allow those feelings to grow each time. Finally, get back into the body of the person sitting in that place (both mentally and physically). You still carry those positive vibes, so just permit them some time to take over that prior state as if you were receiving the new empowering vibes now.

 

When you do this, you will realize how much our thoughts affect our internal states. It is very easy to give in to negative thinking, but these exacerbate our negative emotions. If you want to snap out of it, just allow yourself some time to process what happened then change your thoughts. Changing your thoughts guarantees a change of state. Now you know how you can do that. Dissociate, but follow that with associating into good memories. Says who you cannot be the nautical wheeler of navigating your own ship of emotions?..….

The A to Zs of “Being” at “Excellence” Levels

Ever wondered about the mindset of happy and successful people who achieve “excellence”? Well, I often have. And examining these people, I found that they make the best of their being; and adopt some simple, yet, powerful strategies to be “outstanding”. They are brain-washed with a certain set of beliefs, attitudes, and thoughts when it comes to dealing with themselves, others, and their life challenges. These, eventually reflect in their best achievements. It’s like they play their cards right. The following guidelines are adopted from prominent self-development figures; and are summarized in an A to Z format of principles to “being” at “Excellence” levels:

A: Accept what you cannot change. Act today without delay. Actions speak louder than words.

B: Brand yourself as having unique qualities. Believe in yourself.

C: Choose to always be proactive as opposed to reactive. Challenge yourself to continually progress.

D: Dream of great achievements. If you can Dream it, you can make it happen.

E: Enjoy doing even the simplest things. Be open to new Experiences.

F: Focus on what you have in times of distress. Family and Friends make beautiful riches.

G: Give more than you’re asked for; and more than you planned. You’ll Gain 10 fold from multiple other sources.

H: Help others when you’re needed. Hear them out. The impact on their lives is what you’ll be Honored and remembered for. Make your memory a good one.

I: Ignore those who try to discourage you. Invest your time wisely in people and activities that help you grow.  

J: Joke around often, without being a Jerk (i.e. with decency and limits). Be the one to spread Joy wherever you go.

K: Keep learning and keep trying no matter how difficult things may seem. This is your Key to success.

L: Leave positive footprints where ever you go. Lead others into excellence.

M: Make things happen (don’t wait for them to just happen). Make the impossible possible.

N: Never accuse yourself of having failed. Nourish your mind instead with thoughts like: this was “yet another learning lesson”.

O: Obsess with your own self-development. Optimize on your personal and professional progress.

P: Prior Perfect Practice Prevents Piss Poor Performance.

Q: Quit fighting an endless Quarrel when you know your energy can be channeled to more worthy Quests.

R: Read and Reflect on those Readings. Race to know more, Repeatedly.

S: Surround yourself with people and things you love. Stop energy Sappers from invading your life. Smile often; it makes a big difference.

T: Teach others what you learned or what you want to learn. Talk about your learning. Train yourself to apply it somehow.

U: Under-promise; yet, over-deliver (in business and in your personal life). Unwrap your dormant excellence on every occasion.

V: Visualize your excellence coming to life, and it will. Visionaries were often ridiculed in the beginning, so don’t let emotional Vampires stand in your Vision of excelling.

W: Work hard on Writing down your thoughts, Wishes, and goals. Words clarify when you think in ink. Walking your Written down talk becomes easy.

X: Xccelerate your effort to beat procrastination. There’s so much to being productive each day even in small increments. X-out clutter.

Y: Your life is the most important project you can ever work on. Year in, year out, enjoy the ride.

Z: Zeal is your primary ingredient to achieve more and strive for excellence. Zoom in your goal, be in the Zone, and go for it.

When you model the best, you take the short-cut to excellence. Will you decide to live at your best? If “yes”, how about you start today? Take the short cut. Print this out, read it daily, and brain-wash yourself similarly. Make it your new modus operandis for optimal living. Play your cards right.